most depressing post thus far

list of things i hate:
human trafficking
hands that spill innocent blood
the condemning of the innocent
AIDS
government farm subsidies
Waldsterben
cries that go unheard and without comfort.






focusing on hate is probably not a good idea.
but hey, there is a precedent.

if only

i want to use my computer up until it crashes

this is what i want to do
i want to crash

i want to use myself up
to have a fever and burn myself away
from haste and lack of foresight
and nothing else

why?

why do people think that death is a stranger?

you have always known him,
death is your best friend.
he breathes through you like a poem,
or a riddle,
a person to talk about, when conversation lags
annoying, yes, like most best friends are
and rather single-minded.
but who can understand you better
drunk, or sober, popular or pensive,
he has seen it all before. And once
you realize
he's there, it's rather hard
to keep him off your mind.

i haven't really talked to anyone today.
i took a picture of my ice cubes & cream tea. maybe i will post a picture of it.
but doing so made me feel old. alone. like the people who post on the lj communities i read.
it's funny because i only waste time reading them, i don't even contribute.
whose the one with a pitiful life?
i almost made cookies today but the flour was so expensive. everything is expensive at UDF. except milk. i reckon the milk is priced pretty good.
i hate ethan frome
i don't want to read it. but i have an hour before alton calls.
maybe more. he said around eight
i basically did not a thing all day.
i wish i had gone outside. my roommate likes the air conditioning on. so i think my life
staying here in this apartment
is sterilized. solitary. confinement.

if you want to be depressed, spend a day alone. then another.
if you need another, go ahead, take another day.
now you are absolutely alone.

that is the only step you need. promise.

im going to go look for another book to read.

today i tried to be an archeologist with ice
tip tap scratch
went my knife
today i tried to make iced chai tea
in my grandmother's teapot from japan
thunk thunk bump
went the tea
in the end the tea bags split
and i used up the paper towels

today i made tea ice cubes

i don't really recommend them

new friends in new places

today is a day i will do my best!

we chatted the day away

i asked too many questions
but david was a very kind and considerate fellow

and diana and katch were wonder-if-ous!

now we can only cross our fingers about dinner, dear, that's all we can do.

i am trying to make chai ice tea. more details to follow
<3 kt

jitters
all day
the books leapfrog all over my floor
then up again
i moved the bookshelf.
And my dresser
scooted over to the window
for a better view
i like him better when all the drawers are out
and stacked up like a monument
[what does a deconstructionist
do with a dresser?]
meanwhile
the glass jars rattle softly
in their cardboard cages
that glide around the room, mismatched
and uneasy

i like it. we are much better off this way, blank walls notwithstanding.

two lists

today is a lot of things, like my dirty socks and scuffled brown shoes and curling leather and bacon in my macaroni and an art project that i will never do.

do you know what art project i would really like to do?

it would be a box. a treasure box, actually, that i would build myself and maybe even stain although that is expensive, isn't it? ah but this is art
and on the outside i would cover it. with the lace from my dress that has paint on it and my sparkling fairy stickers and my favorite stationary and the letter i wrote to my grandfather but never sent and chinese calligraphy markings and wax seals and bits of paper and rose petals and the seeds from switzerland i forgot to plant (i'm too wise to plant them now) and everything beautiful that i own

and then you would open the chest, and inside would be dirt. brown clay and mud from the backyard.

wouldn't that be wonderful?

party party party

at the last OTL party of the year, i introduced myself to joe. who is joe? idk, someone from NJ.
And apparently people from New Jersey have a lot of opinions, because he said to me, glancing across the room in opaque pink sunglasses (the theme was hawaiian, so he is not entirely to blame)
"this party is so stereotypical."
i cocked my head slightly. this was not usual party talk.
"everybody here doesn't know how to act at a party, so they just act how they think people act"
he gestured over to the other room vaguely.
"see, there's people dancing, and people trying to get drunk..."
"weelll, i sure don't know what to do at a party" i offered, not wholy unhelpfully.

At that point, however, we were interrupted, by people or music, or a great huge thunderclap from the Roman God himself, i can't really remember.

but i can't get away from this thought.

it echoes alton's explanation as to why people dance the way they do at parties, too.
"it looks like a lot of guys think that they're supposed to like it"


what is with us? by us i am kindly including the entire generation. i think we have problems.