this is going to be a stream of consciousness post

we are no longer here. we have entered the future and there is no going back. when it is raining i can hear the voices of myself speaking back to me, from the past and from the future. they are usually not very happy things. sometimes i try not to remember happy things, only sad ones. i try to remember ever sad idea i've ever had.

someone once told me that the more times we remember a memory the less accurate we remember it. then they proceeded to assert that life's happiness comes from happy memories. the unspoken connection being that the foundation of life's happiness rested on a false ledge, overlooking the treacherous waters of Reality. but to me, this is all wrong. do you really get your happiness from your memories? then what caused the first memory? how did you even know what happiness was before you had it? or perhaps you learnt it by being not happy, and realizing the difference.

but all of this, as i said, is wrong. for me, happiness comes from people. it comes from loving other people, connecting with them. being with them. it comes from beauty. loving beauty, connecting with it, being surrounded by it. happiness also comes from hope and faith. without hope for the future, hope for the past, hope for the present--

is it weird that i have hope for the past? that i pray for people who have died long ago? since i believe in a God who is outside of time, i have no problems with praying outside of time. other people are not so sure, perhaps. i pray anyways.

happiness does not come from God. as a result of God, happiness exists. happiness, to me, is a response to something. it cannot exist alone.

well, perhaps because i think that nothing can exist alone. because i think more and more of how things exist inside of christianity.

don't get me wrong. i still see how they exist outside of christianity. but i like that i can see it inside chrisitianity, too.

the almost moving day

my head and my brain are in an argument right now.


(my head keeps looking at my house and seeing it empty
and my brain keeps looking at my house and remembering it full)


internet can you tell me, who is right? which one is real?


(and you can't say both are real, internet. that is commonly referred to as a cop-out)

i read the girls of riyadh today and decided that life is exactly as romantic as you want it to be.

party party party

at the last OTL party of the year, i introduced myself to joe. who is joe? idk, someone from NJ.
And apparently people from New Jersey have a lot of opinions, because he said to me, glancing across the room in opaque pink sunglasses (the theme was hawaiian, so he is not entirely to blame)
"this party is so stereotypical."
i cocked my head slightly. this was not usual party talk.
"everybody here doesn't know how to act at a party, so they just act how they think people act"
he gestured over to the other room vaguely.
"see, there's people dancing, and people trying to get drunk..."
"weelll, i sure don't know what to do at a party" i offered, not wholy unhelpfully.

At that point, however, we were interrupted, by people or music, or a great huge thunderclap from the Roman God himself, i can't really remember.

but i can't get away from this thought.

it echoes alton's explanation as to why people dance the way they do at parties, too.
"it looks like a lot of guys think that they're supposed to like it"


what is with us? by us i am kindly including the entire generation. i think we have problems.