there is nothing but sleepiness in this house today

the feeling of never quite awake

but almost there

what i'm actually thinking about right now is my father.

i told him i am going to be NOT going down on thursday, but on friday, which is the day i originally was planning on going until he told me i was mistaken the day before.

'work won't let you off, huh?'

for a second my world stood frozen solid still and the cellphone started melting like an ice cream sundae and i knew I KNEW i swear i knew that this was it. the moment.

'no dad.'

'my cousins are coming the same weekend and i want to see them before i come down'

you do realize, my friends, my darlings, what i just did. i can break it down for you.

1) i said no to my father
2) this was not because i 'couldn't help it', it was because i wanted to do something else, geez, for a change.
3) the something else was see my mother's side cousins
4) i put my mother in front of my father
5) i specifically choose my mother over my father and declared my eternal allegiance to destroying my father and everything he stood for.


obviously he did not take it very well.


the tapes, they tell me my father is a controller.

well thanks tapes i noticed. why do you think i run away far away from him and play orphans in the woods? it is not exactly an accident.

what do i really have to offer anybody?

i am listening to these tapes, tapes about people. about me. they tell me that i'm a 'pleaser', i please people. sometimes i am an 'avoider'. i avoid problems. emotional problems, intellectual-sounding problems that are actually emotional problems, and even pink-bubble-gum-or-blue-bubble-gum sort of problems. the tapes, they tell me that i might not have an identity. when someone asks me what i think i say


i don't say what i think . i just look at them and try to guess: What do you think i will say?

and then i don't say anything


but i'm not.

don't get me wrong, i'm not

complaining. this is not a bad thing, it wasn't a bad thing until the tapes, they keep playing in my ears and tell me i got to change, change, change like the commericals for Brad McKinley's New Auto Show in West Chester just off Cin-Day Road. Come in and finally have a change!

i need some better psychological problems, or something.

i forgot about this!

isn't that what always happens? but now sam has one. a real one.
(it's real because other people know about it)
i know about it

maybe i can be real too


yesterday was interesting because abhijeet asked me edit his essay. for med school. for freaking med school and he needed it that night?

maybe some people never change

i did edit it. maybe i never change, too.