there is a crease in my back as long as the mississippi river and wide as the sucker of a three-pound catfish. we had company over today, for dubai and nonsense chatter.

another thought from the early morning

being alone is carrying two sets of keys because you are holding on to one for someone else and that someone else is far oh so far above the skyline that you are looking at as you spiral downdownwards in a car that you have only driven once before and everything feels too spacious too empty there nothing behind you and darkness ahead of you and you are on a highway that splinters you are on a one lane highway one narrow lane far far away from the land you grew up from and even farther away from the land you are going to

everything is too much to bear and enough. enough for you to drive home to an empty house with an empty clock and forty five minutes of silence before the day begins.

learning how to breathe on my own

i think i am learning the edges of me
and the edges of you
our bodies taper out in clear blue-veined flaps
and
sometimes they touch
& softly rub against eachother
but we are not the same, are we?

we are two forgotten and ancient sea creatures
carried inexorably onwards by oceans of time

no good very bad day

yesterday was not a good day today is not a good day either

maybe someday we will run out of bad days and then all we will have left are the good days and then there will always be birds chirping outside and beautiful fall leaves in jars and garlic stuffed olives and bookshelves and chalkboard messages that make you smile instead of cry inside and lots of cream for your chai tea that is served in bone china teacups on the front porch where your grandma is already sitting because she wants to have a nice long chat about everything in the whole world with you and the sun is already warming up your toes and your hair is falling out of your hair tie just right so your vision is framed with strands of gold. and then right then you will be very glad that all the bad days are gone forever.

sometimes i think that if i can write enough on the wall then the writing will come off of me and i will clean and pink like a newborn and everything will be gone the exhaustion the death the thinking the strangers the lying the screams and everything everything will be gone.
i'm sorry sam the wall is a little bit fuller than you remembered it.

i walk home with my elbows hinged out
palms up
facing the sky
my fingers outstretched

i stare at them. i wish that they were not my hands, because these hands are dirty. gritty. black.
they are smoking with invisible ash.

no matter how hard i try to over extend my fingers away

away far away from eachother, the ash will not fall off. it leaves small trails behind me in lazy, untraceable loops.
like dandelions in hiroshima

right now i am very conflicted.

mostly because a girl that i know and love is hurting. and it makes me so so so angry when this happens. i think overly angry, since i am unable to stand up for myself--- i over compensate by standing (or jumping! and getting very emotional and yelling) up and fighting battles that are not mine to fight.

okay probably unhealthy.

but i have some responsibility, i think. i chose to run away. what if i hadn't chose to run away? what if i had stood my ground?

is it too late to stand my ground? is it too late to bring things up that happened three years ago?


every once in a while i am reminded of relationships of which i am very ashamed.


it is interesting because, as a christian who is no longer in christian leadership, i feel like "i" am the failure. it makes sense, right? because God is not publicly using me in the way he is using other people (with whom i am partially estranged from), i must be in the wrong.

but this is not true. he makes some pots for ornate uses but some for ordinary uses. but then what is true? what do i have besides my feelings?

the problem is when other people invalidate your feelings. you no longer know whether they are true.

but is their reality really that much more true? no. no not at all.

but there is truth. i know that. i believe that i can know truth, eventually. slowly, at some points painfully.



what will happen if i bring up the past again?

[pray for me]

relatively

everything is chaos. but my professor still likes me.


somehow this seems really important.


way more important than the three million loads of work i have due by next monday. eep eep eep.

let me tell you a story, internet, let me tell you a story.

i spent two and a half hours transforming my room today. it went from chaos and bewilderment to clean, open, organized space.

now that everything is beautiful, i realize that nothing has changed.
inside of my head there is still chaos and darkness and sadness.

i am looking for a new kt-cim to go with my new room.

(a blustery day)

when it is a very windy day
( and you are caught by the wind sideways frontways backways
and you are so happy with exclamation points! to breathe)
it feels to me
that someone is asking
all the unanswered questions in the world


and someday i am going to answer them
every one.

a thing you believe in

right now i am feeling many things. it is a feeling day. i am glad for everything that happened, and sad too.

sometimes you have to do what you know is right. even if it isn't what you want to do.




right now i have been taking more tests. tests that tell me about me. this is good because i don't know who i am.

(nobody can tell you who you are you have to discover it you have to create it you have to believe you are person and then and only then you will become one)

my counselor person had an idea today: what if the reason i think i am a failure is because i am too hard on myself?

this might seem like an obvious reason to you, internet, but to me it was something that i had never actually considered in my head

and the reason she thought this is because i was describing all the thing my dad expects me to be, everyday, allthetime

1. smart
2. sociable
3. popular
4. kind
5. perfect
6. friends with everybody
7. do above and beyond what 'normal' people do
8. able to do whatever he asks of me
9. to be smarter 'than that christian garbage'
10. attentive to his wants and needs
11. to take care of my sisters and other people (his gf, etc)
12. to take his side in an argument
13. very very successful
14. very well educated (i.e. get a phd or at least masters)
15. rich
16. have a job
17. play sports
18. to never trust a boy with my life completely


this is why i might feel like a failure. this is the list in front of my eyes, asking me if i have measured up today. what about today. certainly not today.

but i don't want to be the person my dad thinks i am.



but if (and only if) i can let go of the list that i am supposed to be, then what ? what will i do ?

who will i be ?

discovery

new inspiration for my design project.


(if you want to be more impressed you can go here. because it was done entirely by puppets, except the human eyes)

i feel like exploring alll of the national film board of canada 's stuff. why doesn't america have something this awesome?