right now i am very conflicted.

mostly because a girl that i know and love is hurting. and it makes me so so so angry when this happens. i think overly angry, since i am unable to stand up for myself--- i over compensate by standing (or jumping! and getting very emotional and yelling) up and fighting battles that are not mine to fight.

okay probably unhealthy.

but i have some responsibility, i think. i chose to run away. what if i hadn't chose to run away? what if i had stood my ground?

is it too late to stand my ground? is it too late to bring things up that happened three years ago?


every once in a while i am reminded of relationships of which i am very ashamed.


it is interesting because, as a christian who is no longer in christian leadership, i feel like "i" am the failure. it makes sense, right? because God is not publicly using me in the way he is using other people (with whom i am partially estranged from), i must be in the wrong.

but this is not true. he makes some pots for ornate uses but some for ordinary uses. but then what is true? what do i have besides my feelings?

the problem is when other people invalidate your feelings. you no longer know whether they are true.

but is their reality really that much more true? no. no not at all.

but there is truth. i know that. i believe that i can know truth, eventually. slowly, at some points painfully.



what will happen if i bring up the past again?

[pray for me]