a thing you believe in

right now i am feeling many things. it is a feeling day. i am glad for everything that happened, and sad too.

sometimes you have to do what you know is right. even if it isn't what you want to do.




right now i have been taking more tests. tests that tell me about me. this is good because i don't know who i am.

(nobody can tell you who you are you have to discover it you have to create it you have to believe you are person and then and only then you will become one)

my counselor person had an idea today: what if the reason i think i am a failure is because i am too hard on myself?

this might seem like an obvious reason to you, internet, but to me it was something that i had never actually considered in my head

and the reason she thought this is because i was describing all the thing my dad expects me to be, everyday, allthetime

1. smart
2. sociable
3. popular
4. kind
5. perfect
6. friends with everybody
7. do above and beyond what 'normal' people do
8. able to do whatever he asks of me
9. to be smarter 'than that christian garbage'
10. attentive to his wants and needs
11. to take care of my sisters and other people (his gf, etc)
12. to take his side in an argument
13. very very successful
14. very well educated (i.e. get a phd or at least masters)
15. rich
16. have a job
17. play sports
18. to never trust a boy with my life completely


this is why i might feel like a failure. this is the list in front of my eyes, asking me if i have measured up today. what about today. certainly not today.

but i don't want to be the person my dad thinks i am.



but if (and only if) i can let go of the list that i am supposed to be, then what ? what will i do ?

who will i be ?