i say the word china over and over again until it has no meaning

beijing
china
i am hungry to be there again. to stand on dirty street corners and be lost between endless highrises that column up into the smog.

i can't think or look at china anymore. it is so beautiful it hurts too much.

and i don't want to go back for vacation either. what is a vacation? i want to wake up and find the morning market. i want to be part of the overwhelming mass of people on my way to work. i want to be startled by the mountains on a clear day, looking at the sky.

these are not things you can taste on a vacation. i have to live there again.

(6,7,14)