excitement and introductions

okay, internet, i cannot sleep

i am too excited! and i forgot to order decaf.

but i am getting ahead of myself. first i need to mention that i almost told someone about you today.

but! luckily! he had already turned off his computer off for the night, and was in bed. so i didn't tell him.
so you are still a secret i have never told.

i bet you can guess who i almost told, internet. it was alton.

if i do tell people about you, though, you need to get a proper introduction:

alton: boyfriend forever / for life, depending on your preference.
pam-i-mean-sam-sams: bbbfff (extra letters may have been added for emphasis)
be matey brady: well i never see him anymore, actually. he is on his way to becoming a famous improv comedian entertainer. but i promise to let you know, internet, if he ever is around again.


martin the martian: he actually doesn't like being a martian. i don't blame him. he does like, however, playing scrabble in the grass while eating fistfuls of coconut. all of which i strongly endorse.
justin OF THE FUTURE. justin is actually of the past too, but he has been gone for what feels like three lifetimes and is closer to a year, being a grecian person in greece. so he is currently of the future. plus sometimes he is a prophet. unfortunately he is also for the moment invisible, since i don't have any convenient pictures of him.


those are the people in my life. if more people come in i will introduce you to them too.

oh dear and it is already 1 o'clock. i promised to try to go to sleep again at 1 o'clock. well, i will let you know a hint: i did go outside on the very last day of august, year of our lord, 2009.

today is an amazing outside day

except i came home and started packing and then got on the computer
and i did not go outside.

why is it so hard to go out of my house by myself?

why is it that i always run out of boxes?

why is it that i always run away?



here is what i am going to do, internet. and i will have to, because otherwise tomorrow i will have to report my own distressing failings.

i will
1) create a roastbeef-colby-tomato-avocado sammich
2) wash some raspberries
3) pack some coconut
4) go outside
5) walk
6) find some adventures


if i do not do this, you will find out tomorrow. and i will be a little bit ashamed.


it is funny because i think that avacado looks better than avocado. you just don't say it that way. same goes with rasberries. razzle-dazzle-berries and polka-dot-faeries and smish-smoshed-cloud-rayries

that last one wasn't a word except in my head. just a tip from me to you, internet, it's okay to make up words.

i really am scared of how people change.

the only reason i am not scared of alton changing is because he has already decided he will always love me. even if he does change. so it is okay if he changes, but nobody else can.

this summer was interesting because i tried to make time for a lot more people in my life. and then i realized that not everyone was making time for me.

so the people that were i hung out with. and the people that didn't, i didn't.

it makes life a lot simpler when you think about it that way.

today i had a marvelous idea! what if --

oh no. i cannot tell you. because i might use this idea later in my life. oh dear. i will give you a hint. when i was sleeping i dreamed about finding christy's wedding invitation (i couldn't remember what time the wedding was going to be held) and expiration dates.

last night i dreamed also about these things: my cousin, seiji, traveling, old blue sweatshirts, dustbins, falling.

it's funny because in my dream i fell. but i knew i couldn't die, since i was writing the story. so i made myself tiny and fell on seiji. and then everything was okay. except that i was miniature. i don't think i ever solved that problem. but at least i wasn't dead! you have to give me credit for that one.

this weekend was my sister's tea party birthday. it's funny because she is still so much a kid, even though she is turning 13. our family somehow manages to trick us into being children for much longer than the rest of the world.

alton was talking in the car about how he would go to dance parties every friday. this was at age 14? 15? i can't imagine this. when i was 14 i still viewed the world like a child. the most grown up thing i did at age 14 was have a crush on my orchestra stand partner. but i didn't talk to him. not because i was shy, exactly.

i'm not a particularly shy person. mostly because he was grown-up and i was a little girl.
but of course i wanted to go grow up! that wasn't the problem. i just didn't know how.

eventually things changed. when i got a car, and a job. and eventually a boyfriend. these things helped. but even this, the first three months of dating, i didn't see my boyfriend outside of school. except once. over winter break. at the library.

i guess this is less normal than i realized. but i am not bitter. i used this time to read books. and talk online. and write. and daydream. and paint my room with my hands. and who knows what else. i was pretty happy with myself, in the end.

okayokay sorry

i am pretending the internet is a person that i want to impress very very much. i will impress the internet and make my life sound dee-lii-ght--fulll.

dear internet,

the roommate has left now. celebrated her birthday saturday. oriental lilies, hello kitty balloons, some sort of creamy mixed drink, tarot cards? i know, i know internet the tarot cards were a little bit unlike me. i just watched and smiled and went on pretending i wasn't scandalized. alton squeezed my hand pretty much every time he passed me. i think he likes me. well you know how that goes, at this rate i'll be married before the christmas mass.

dear internet,

it's no use pretending. i am not a happy bug. in fact, i am not even a bug. i am not even existing at the moment. i am just thinking about existing, and let me tell you, thinking about exisisting has not lead me to belive that further commitment to existence is a good idea, not in the least. i have an appointment with a human body next week, though, so at this rate i might find myself existing without even realizing i signed the consent form. & those things are full of the awfulest stuff the soul gives up all rights to have own thoughts apart from body. the soul will give at least 46 years notice before vacating the premises. all the other souls assure me that they are not binding. all i have to do is make a deal with physics or nature or even get my body to kill itself, and i can be free. i suspect that it gets much more complicated than that, and all the exceptions are more horrific than the slow catastrophe of aging to death.
what does a body really have, anyways, that is better than now. right now i am able to afford the daily, even momentary passages between earth and sky. with a body, the expenses become enormous. what if i miss the sky? what if i spend my whole life wishing i were a spirit again?
plus, you only get one chance. i'm not ready. i'll probably screw up everything the day i try to live. and the human body-- it's filthy. and not just with dirt, although there is plenty of that to spare. humans are pretty much always corrupted. and stupid. really really stupid. so stupid sometimes that the human body gets carried away with its filth and stupidity and pretends that it doesn't have a soul. and those souls! o, those souls cry every night. you can hear them, even from up here. they hate their human bodies that have betrayed them and yet they love them too-- how horrifying a fate, to be with a body so stupid it cuts itself off from its own life.

no, i can't do this. it's better if i don't. existence would be ... nice. but its much better left up to beautiful people. crafty people. happy people. being the soul of a human being is much to dangerous.


sincerely, kt

my hands are sticky. the house smells like bleach. and the sewer. my heart is squishy. there are three bruises on my legs. my pink shirt has chocolate on it. three million clothes are on the floor. my house now includes four gnats. there is no longer air conditioner ( i wasn''t using it, but it makes me feel pathetic, regardless ) the outside is loud. the inside is louder (c'est incroyable, mais vrai ) . i am not wearing socks.

these are all things i want to change.


but i am le tired.


today did not go as planned. the letter i wrote did not go as planned. i think i write too much of myself into my letters and i spend the rest of the day feeling grumpy.

i know that if i just start everything will be okay. i hope that if i just start everything will be okay.

hello hello.

cousins are marvelous creatures, are they not? splendid and atmospheric and grand

i was a cousin this weekend. we all ate too much ice cream and played quiddler and 5 crowns excessively. the girls braided eachother's hair and went sun bathing, the guys (all growed up now, i guess) had beers and talked big fancy dreams about boats named the allie francis and vacations across the world. everyone went to barnes & noble and had at least one cup of starbucks per day.

we also cleaned the kitchen for grandmother (all except the last night, oh dear) and sat around almost scared of eachother for moments and went walking to the park for the swings and for our puppy dog.

with my aunt we talked sewing and furniture and hostessing. is this steryotypcial? she is slightly steryotypical but i love her dearly. with my uncle we had our philosophical and mostly theological differences. and with everyone we had fun.

theend

sometimes in a relationship you keep using the same methods over and over to communicate with him.
The same phrases.
the same speeches.
the tendency turn all of his statements into philosophical questions.
The same impulses to give a burst of affirmation that will be the hammer to crack the berlin wall.

And guess what. if they didn't work the 33rd time, they probably won't work the 578th time.

last night i tried to be completely honest.

it's something i'm learning how to do.

i told me ex-boyfriend i couldn't marry him.

which, unsuprisingly, he responded that he didn't expect me to.

i put him in an odd position. 'but i think we've both moved on'

he said, every time he stated a past emotion.

sometimes i think i live in the past, present and future simultaneously.


part of me feels like i died last night.
it was a quiet, gentle sleep
the boat slipping out into the water
white lace against the current
washing away into time.

but that is what God calls us to do, isn't it?
to love and die. and be resurrected.

i really like being a christian. i just want to say that. okay.

i am a socially addicted ice-cream eater and it has been one day and forty one hours since I have eaten ice cream.

today and simillarly ephermeral topics

today i talked to many people. but everyone is busy on sunday nights.

sunday rainday clouday. it does not feel like such a sunny day to me.

perhaps i will take a walk. with my book and a crook. and find a cat to be my friend.

maybe i will sit outside and watch the world go bye.


in the end today was not a happy day. there were too many closed doors (my housemate's) and numbers and waiting.

wait wait wait

what am i waiting for?

well i will tell you. letters, from my samfriend, and conversations from my otherfriends, and calls from my altonfriend.

this is because i am too dependent, isn't it.
too dependent on other people.

i will go read a bookfriend.
shhh everything's gonna be ok.

today i am trying my new theory of being beautiful.

so far i am stupendous just okay. my dad emails me.

it was nothing surprising, just tiny vengeful pinpricks.

alton does not make want me to be in active warfare with my father. but how do you stop open warfare without being Neville Chamberlain ?

i will wait. make no sudden movements. you never know who is watching.

the letter of the day is L

when it is late
i like to write
and sometimes walk
into the night

and sometimes sigh
and sometimes say
everything will be okay

i like to think
of sweet romance
and small green pillows
thrown askance

and the hurried whispers
true love makes
while eating stacked Hungarian crepes

my nose may bleed
my head will ache
but still my heart loves, laughs
and listens.



kinda a cop out. but how else will the title make any sense at all to me in 20 years/ hm?