sometimes in a relationship you keep using the same methods over and over to communicate with him.
The same phrases.
the same speeches.
the tendency turn all of his statements into philosophical questions.
The same impulses to give a burst of affirmation that will be the hammer to crack the berlin wall.

And guess what. if they didn't work the 33rd time, they probably won't work the 578th time.

last night i tried to be completely honest.

it's something i'm learning how to do.

i told me ex-boyfriend i couldn't marry him.

which, unsuprisingly, he responded that he didn't expect me to.

i put him in an odd position. 'but i think we've both moved on'

he said, every time he stated a past emotion.

sometimes i think i live in the past, present and future simultaneously.


part of me feels like i died last night.
it was a quiet, gentle sleep
the boat slipping out into the water
white lace against the current
washing away into time.

but that is what God calls us to do, isn't it?
to love and die. and be resurrected.

i really like being a christian. i just want to say that. okay.