today i had a marvelous idea! what if --

oh no. i cannot tell you. because i might use this idea later in my life. oh dear. i will give you a hint. when i was sleeping i dreamed about finding christy's wedding invitation (i couldn't remember what time the wedding was going to be held) and expiration dates.

last night i dreamed also about these things: my cousin, seiji, traveling, old blue sweatshirts, dustbins, falling.

it's funny because in my dream i fell. but i knew i couldn't die, since i was writing the story. so i made myself tiny and fell on seiji. and then everything was okay. except that i was miniature. i don't think i ever solved that problem. but at least i wasn't dead! you have to give me credit for that one.

this weekend was my sister's tea party birthday. it's funny because she is still so much a kid, even though she is turning 13. our family somehow manages to trick us into being children for much longer than the rest of the world.

alton was talking in the car about how he would go to dance parties every friday. this was at age 14? 15? i can't imagine this. when i was 14 i still viewed the world like a child. the most grown up thing i did at age 14 was have a crush on my orchestra stand partner. but i didn't talk to him. not because i was shy, exactly.

i'm not a particularly shy person. mostly because he was grown-up and i was a little girl.
but of course i wanted to go grow up! that wasn't the problem. i just didn't know how.

eventually things changed. when i got a car, and a job. and eventually a boyfriend. these things helped. but even this, the first three months of dating, i didn't see my boyfriend outside of school. except once. over winter break. at the library.

i guess this is less normal than i realized. but i am not bitter. i used this time to read books. and talk online. and write. and daydream. and paint my room with my hands. and who knows what else. i was pretty happy with myself, in the end.