okayokay sorry

i am pretending the internet is a person that i want to impress very very much. i will impress the internet and make my life sound dee-lii-ght--fulll.

dear internet,

the roommate has left now. celebrated her birthday saturday. oriental lilies, hello kitty balloons, some sort of creamy mixed drink, tarot cards? i know, i know internet the tarot cards were a little bit unlike me. i just watched and smiled and went on pretending i wasn't scandalized. alton squeezed my hand pretty much every time he passed me. i think he likes me. well you know how that goes, at this rate i'll be married before the christmas mass.

dear internet,

it's no use pretending. i am not a happy bug. in fact, i am not even a bug. i am not even existing at the moment. i am just thinking about existing, and let me tell you, thinking about exisisting has not lead me to belive that further commitment to existence is a good idea, not in the least. i have an appointment with a human body next week, though, so at this rate i might find myself existing without even realizing i signed the consent form. & those things are full of the awfulest stuff the soul gives up all rights to have own thoughts apart from body. the soul will give at least 46 years notice before vacating the premises. all the other souls assure me that they are not binding. all i have to do is make a deal with physics or nature or even get my body to kill itself, and i can be free. i suspect that it gets much more complicated than that, and all the exceptions are more horrific than the slow catastrophe of aging to death.
what does a body really have, anyways, that is better than now. right now i am able to afford the daily, even momentary passages between earth and sky. with a body, the expenses become enormous. what if i miss the sky? what if i spend my whole life wishing i were a spirit again?
plus, you only get one chance. i'm not ready. i'll probably screw up everything the day i try to live. and the human body-- it's filthy. and not just with dirt, although there is plenty of that to spare. humans are pretty much always corrupted. and stupid. really really stupid. so stupid sometimes that the human body gets carried away with its filth and stupidity and pretends that it doesn't have a soul. and those souls! o, those souls cry every night. you can hear them, even from up here. they hate their human bodies that have betrayed them and yet they love them too-- how horrifying a fate, to be with a body so stupid it cuts itself off from its own life.

no, i can't do this. it's better if i don't. existence would be ... nice. but its much better left up to beautiful people. crafty people. happy people. being the soul of a human being is much to dangerous.


sincerely, kt